We Try Not to Hurt Those We Love
by Mel kitsune
Summary: A Please Save My Earth fanfic. Jinpachi tries to find a balance between his life now, and his past life... and find a way not to hurt Issei/Enju once more...


We Try Not To Hurt Those We Love

WE TRY NOT TO HURT THOSE WE LOVE

_A Please Save My Earth Fanfic_

By Melissa Smith

It was the night after Issei kissed me that I remembered my death on the moon.

The dream was in extremely vivid detail.I could feel the virus taking its toll on me, making me cough up the fluids in my body until my lungs ached and burned.My eyes watered and I kept blinking, trying to clearly make out everything around me.I was lying in the infirmary, and Shion was watching over me.I suppose I must have been unconscious for a while.I murmured his name through my dry lips, asking him how much longer he thought I had to live.He didn't answer for a long time, only looked me over.

Finally, he spoke."You'll only be the first, Gyokuran.There's no way any of us could survive this." There was the slightest tinge of desperation in his voice.I forced a smile.

"The rest of you should go to Earth, before it's too late," I advised him.

"It is too late," Shion replied."Others are already starting to show the symptoms."

"Is Shukaido trying to find a vaccine?" Shion was silent for a long time."Well? Is he?"Shion looked away.

"I don't trust him enough…"

I smiled a bit."Because he loves her?" I asked him."You know that I love Mokuren as well," I admitted softly.Shion turned to look at me.

"I know that… but you still love Enju…" I was silent, wondering how he knew I had loved her, and how he could assume I still felt that way.

"I don't know if I feel that way about her anymore," I whispered.Shion looked me over.

"If you did truly love her before," he began, "then in your heart you always will."I looked at him.His eyes were sad, and I knew he was thinking about Mokuren. 

I coughed, feeling like my lungs were tearing in half in my chest.A bit of blood came up on my hand.

"You and I… are kinda the same…" I murmured, coughing again."We both… have hurt the people… we care about…"

"It's not wise to try and talk so much," Shion said. "Do you want me to say anything to Enju?"

"Tell her… that I'm sorry… and maybe I'll meet up with her again someday… on the Earth…" Shion nodded.

"I will.Sayonara."The pain in my lungs at that moment was a memory that burned itself into my subconscious.It was a struggle to breath.I took a deep breath and found to my horror that I couldn't release it.My eyes dilated before closing.I could vaguely hear Shion's voice, but it was fading, getting farther away every second.

No, I didn't want to leave them; especially knowing they would all suffer the same fate.

I woke up from the dream with a start, gulping in the air around me and trying to untangle myself from my sheets.So, I finally remembered, just like Daisuke said I would.I finally remembered what it was like to die, to feel my insides being torn apart by a virus we couldn't cure.And to feel the pain in my heart at having to leave Mokuren and Enju and the others behind.

I was lucky.I was the first to get away. My suffering had ended before the others.Sighing heavily, I lowered myself back onto my bed, pulling my sheet up under my chin.I just wanted to let go of the past, ever since Issei had kissed me this afternoon.But now it seemed I'd never be able to let go of who I used to be- and who he used to be.

Issei didn't come back to school until a few days later, when he greeted me with a cheerful expression and a 'Good morning- I need to borrow your notes.'

"Issei," I said when I approached him in homeroom.He looked down, not meeting my eyes."About the other day…"

"Don't worry about it…" he said."That was just a bad joke…" I frowned at him.He sounded so sad.

//Look at me, Issei…// I thought.But he didn't."So… any dreams recently?"Issei nodded.

"I dreamt about… our deaths…"

"Same here…" I murmured.We both became extremely silent.

"So, I guess we finally remember, Jinpachi-kun," he said finally.

"I guess so…"

"I wonder about the others," Issei said.I wanted to say something to him, but I couldn't think clearly.

"Do you think I love Alice because of Mokuren?" I asked suddenly.

"Yes, definitely," Issei said quietly.

"So maybe that's why Haru and Rin-kun love her, ne?" 

"That's what I'd think."

"And why you and Sakura are such good friends… we all still feel the same way about each other…" Issei gulped.I think he knew then that I'd figured everything out.Enju had been in love with Gyokuran.Issei was Enju.He'd made that quite clear to me when he kissed me.Issei loved me.I saw that then for the first time.He couldn't escape his past, either."Why did you come back as a guy, Issei?" He looked at me, his face going pale.

"Why? I-I don't know… to tell you the truth, I wanted to…"

"You did? Why?" I asked.He sighed, shrugging his shoulders, and stood to go to lunch.

"I suppose I didn't want to get my heart broken by you again."He met my eyes for a second, his own looking extremely still and somber, then headed off without me.His words stung almost as bad as the memory of the pain in my lungs when I was dying on the moon.I couldn't deny my mistakes.I had hurt Enju more than I'd previously thought, and there was no way I could change any of it.Nor could I change how I felt about Alice now.

//It would be so much easier// I thought, //if Gyokuran had never fallen in love with Mokuren.// But I could never change the past.

I walked home from school alone that day, trapped in my thoughts.

"Hey you!" a little kid's voice called from behind me.I spun around.It was Shukaido, or should I say Rin, Alice's seven year-old fiancée.

"What do you want?" I said in a nasty voice.

"Whoa, what's your problem?" he replied.//Little brat.He doesn't seem much like Shukaido; then again, he's only seven.//

"What's my problem?" I responded."You're engaged to the girl I love!"Rin only shook his head.

"Well what about the boy you love?" he asked me.My eyes went wide.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Issei… you know, Enju… what about him?"I was silent, clenching my teeth."I know you loved Enju… Issei is the same person, in a matter of speaking- why should his gender matter?"

"He's not the same… I'm not the same… and besides, I love Alice!" Rin shook his head again.

"Tsk, tsk," he said."Don't you see? When we were all reborn, we were reborn with the same hearts, the same minds."He shut his mouth suddenly after that.

"Well then, you must be the exception," I told him jokingly."You're nothing like Shukaido… in fact, you're a lot more like Shion…" Something clicked in my head at that moment."And how would you know I loved Enju?I never told anyone that until I was dying… and that was only Shion… hey, wait a minute…" It was all suddenly starting to make sense.There was no way this kid was Shukaido.He had to be Shion.

Suddenly, Rin was floating at my level.He grabbed the collar of my uniform roughly.

"You're smarter than you seem, Gyokuran," he said."But I wouldn't say anything if you want to stay in my good esteem."He shoved me back up against a stonewall, knocking the air out of my lungs."Do you understand?"I nodded breathlessly.

"But… why? Why would you lie like that? And especially to Mokuren.She still loves you, Shion!" His eyes darkened and he looked away.

"I suppose for the same reasons you still deny your love for Enju- your love for Issei- even to yourself."I wanted to scream at him then that it was all a lie, but I remained silent."You and I are the same, Gyokuran.We're afraid to hurt them because of our feelings…"

"You're hurting her even more by not being with her, being honest with her, when she needs you the most!"Rin shook his head.

"If that's so, you're a damn hypocrite," he replied simply.My eyes widened more."Look in front of you, Jinpachi.Do you see how much it hurts Issei to be around you, because those feelings Enju had for you before are still just as strong as ever?"I gaped at him.

"Urusai!" I yelled. Rin giggled a bit.

"Fine… but the truth can't be denied forever… the only thing keeping me from Alice is my age, but when I'm older, I'll be with her… ne, what is it that's holding you back from Issei?"I stared at him for a long moment.

"Nothing's holding me back!"Rin grinned, releasing me.I fell to my knees."You little brat…" I mumbled.Rin's eyes were sparkling with mischief and delight. 

"Oh, I think there's a lot holding you back…" he whispered teasingly.

"Iie!" I screamed."I don't feel that way!I never felt that way!D'you hear me, ya little brat?! I never loved Enju!I never felt anything but sex with her!And I don't love Issei either!"Rin was laughing; I wanted to wring his neck.I lunged at him, but a soft voice behind me stopped me in my footsteps.

"Jinpachi…" Issei murmured.I spun around to face him.So, that's why Rin had been laughing.How long had my friend been standing there?How much had he heard?My pupils went wide as I saw Issei had tears in his eyes.

"No, Issei, I…" I was at a loss for words."Don't cry, please, I…" Issei forced a smile in my direction, then ran off.

"Do you see?" Rin asked, leering down at me."Do you see how much you hurt him by not loving him?"I glared at him. "Well, go on," Rin said."Go after him, why don't you?Try to apologize, tell him you didn't mean any of it… and see what he says…"

"Teme! I should kill you!" I screamed at him.Rin grinned at me and giggled some more.

"I'm helping you out and you don't even realize it," Rin told me."What a shame." 

"Helping me?" I yelled."How the hell are you helping me?"

"I'm trying to get you to open your eyes and see the great thing you have in front of you… before it's too late…" Rin said, a hint of sadness in his voice.

//He is still only a kid…// I thought.

"Go!" Rin said."Apologize, before you ruin everything and you have nothing left but years and years of regret." It sounded like he was speaking from personal experience.I scrambled up to my feet and ran off in the direction Issei had taken.Rin was seven, and a brat, but he had the memories of a mature adult whose advice I had respected before.And besides, in my heart, I knew he was right.

"Issei! Issei!" I shouted as I ran, looking for my best friend.I looked all around me, but could see no sign of him. Finally, I reached the old bridge.There was a figure sitting underneath with their knees pulled up to their chest.//Found him!// I thought, partially relieved, and partially scared."Issei…" I said softly as I approached his slumped down figure.He didn't say anything, though I could hear muffled tears."Please don't cry…"

"I know, I know, I'm sorry…" Issei mumbled."I knew you didn't feel that way, I did… but it just hurt to hear you say it…" I frowned at him.

"You don't get it, Issei… I just don't want things to change between the two of us… I don't want what happened in the past to affect how I feel for you now…" 

"And how do you feel?" Issei asked, looking up.I took a deep breath.

"Gyokuran… loved Enju…" I whispered, kneeling down beside him.Issei looked at me for a long moment, then buried his head back in his lap, where I could hear more tears.

"Why… didn't you ever say anything?" Issei asked.I didn't answer, and he looked up with me with red eyes."You… don't love me now, do you?"He smiled bravely as if to let me now he could handle the truth.

"No… I, I do…" I said, then gulped."I wanted you to know, but I didn't want anything between us to change… at least not now…" Issei threw his arms around my neck.

"You were scared…" he whispered up against my neck.

"Ah.I was.I still am. We're friends, and we have to stay that way for now… but maybe someday…" I felt Issei shudder up against me and hug me tighter."I just needed you to know… it hurt you thinking otherwise… and I never wanted to see you hurt…" 

"Thank you…" Issei whispered."Now I know why you're my best friend…" I smiled slightly."But… what about Alice?"With my concern over Issei's feelings, I'd forgotten about her.

"I guess… that I do care about her a lot… I mean, both of you have a place in my heart…" Issei smiled.

"That's good to hear.You sound… just like Gyokuran…" I smiled back at him.

"C'mon, get up…" I said, standing, and pulling Issei to his feet.He jumped up to an upright position."Let's go see what the others are up to, okay?" Issei nodded.I started walking, but he lingered behind a bit.

"Ne, Jinpachi," Issei said.I turned around to face him.

"Yeah?" Issei took several steps towards me.He slid his arms around me, his warm hands stroking my back gently. Issei moved closer, pressing his body up against mine.What was he doing?My question was answered when he tilted his face up and touched his mouth to mine.My eyes went wide and part of me wanted to kiss him back, but I was frozen to the spot.I didn't fight him, though, not this time.His tongue brushed up against my lips lightly, and I closed my eyes, remembering myself as Gyokuran.My arms went around his waist."Enju…" The whisper escaped my throat before I could stop it.I felt Issei press closer in the embrace, his mouth still resting lightly against mine.

I started returning the kiss then, stroking the side of his face lightly.This was Issei, my best friend since junior high, but standing there with him like that, I could feel so much more.I could feel that this was Enju, my Enju… and the two of us would never again exist the way we had before we discovered our past together.

Gyokuran would always hold a place in his heart for Enju, just like I would always hold a place in my own for Issei.I didn't know what would happen from then on- whether Issei and I would both escape the past someday, or whether we would continue to love each other in the odd way that we did.Either way, the future is- and always was- the most important thing. 


End file.
